THE BIG SHARE: I’m $700,000 in debt with a man I haven’t seen in two years …

I’m $700,000 in debt with a man I haven’t seen in close to two years …Who said totally dysfunctional but financially beneficial are mutually exclusive?

If that title caught your attention, you’re probably thinking, this sounds completely crazy. Well, it is – but it’s also my reality.

How It All Began

Six years ago, on a Friday night in Auckland, New Zealand, I met a 6ft dark-featured man in Revelry. Weeks later, I had a boyfriend, and before I knew it, we were moving in together. That’s when the inevitable money conversations started - rent, groceries, salaries, savings. From day one, we were open about our finances and future goals. But when it came to how we managed our money, our approaches were quite different.

Money Behaviours

For me, I am—and always will be—a saver. As a COD (Child of Divorce), money felt like a battleground—every request met with “Ask your mother” or “Ask your father.” So, I found my own way. At 11, I was dropping flyers; by 13, I was babysitting most weeks after school. Even in my first corporate job, I continued to nanny every Saturday to top up my income.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, had a more structured financial upbringing. During university, he was encouraged to pick up a part-time job as a bank teller. When he entered the professional world, his parents advised him to contribute a higher percentage of his salary to his KiwiSaver than the average 3%. Although he could never say no to a drink with the boys, he managed to quickly build up a little stockpile of savings.

House Hunting

Fast-forward and we decided to take combining finances to the next level: homeownership. We met with a mortgage adviser, spoke to the bank and, within days we received mortgage pre-approval. After a few fun months of scrolling TradeMe and going to open homes, we signed a sale and purchase agreement for a townhouse due to be built the following year. A 10% deposit was required upfront and the remaining 10% deposit was due upon completion. We were over the moon.

The Nightmare Begins

But things didn’t go as smoothly as expected. To start, there were delays with the property’s completion, the Reserve Bank then raised interest rates to combat inflation and that’s when we started to see New Zealand’s property prices drop…

As some of you may know, a mortgage for a ‘New Build’ property is contingent on a property valuation. As time passed and we waited for the property to be completed, we became nervous that we had overpaid. Worry set in that the property would be valued lower than expected, and we knew that would affect the value the bank would lend us.

14 days before the final settlement, the valuers completed their report, valuing our house $40,000 NZD lower than the price we had agreed to pay. With this, came the notice that the bank would only lend us 80% of the lower valuation, leaving us $32,000 short.

Suddenly, we were scrambling. How on earth could we find $32,000 in 14 days. If we couldn’t come up with the money, we would default on our contract. That meant losing our initial 10% deposit—a whopping $87,500. I thought I was going to be sick.

As time was ticking, we explored every option: appealing the property valuation, negotiating the purchase price with the developer, and even borrowing from secondary lenders.

Just days before settlement, we managed to pull together the money. Our emergency funds were gone and all other assets were liquidated. We exhausted everything to get the house across the line. 

It should have been a celebratory moment. Instead, we felt broken.

Breaking Up and Moving Forward

The entire ordeal drained us, financially and emotionally. And in the end, we decided to break up.

So where did that leave us? Having borrowed everything we could, for a property the bank believed we had overpaid for, meant that selling in the current market wasn’t an option.

More Drama

We engaged a property management company, only to discover that the rental market was not as ‘hot’ as we’d been led to believe. Having moved into separate living situations, we hadn’t anticipated how long it would take to find tenants. As a result, we ended up covering both the mortgage and our individual rents, while the house sat empty – more money slipping away. 

The drama didn’t stop there. After we finally secured a tenant, three months later they decided to flee the country and stop paying rent. Figuring out how we would cover the mortgage without rent incoming in, so soon after our breakup was a whirlwind. For once, I felt grateful for the New Zealand Tenancy Tribunal.

By this point, I had well and truly passed my breaking point.

Was It All Worth It?

So why am I sharing this story? In NZ, many of us are raised to believe that owning a property is the easiest way to make money and build wealth. However, I can personally attest that home ownership is no walk in the park.

When people ask, “Was it all worth it?” Honestly? I don’t know.

As someone who, a few years later, has managed to rebuild my finances, restarted my investment portfolio, and still own a home, things aren’t too bad. However, it came at a cost—financially, and emotionally.

There are many lessons I’ve learned from my home ownership experience but for anyone considering going down the path of investing in property with a significant other, ask yourself:

1.     What’s the Worst-Case Scenario?
Before purchasing our property, we did a scenario analysis on how interest rate changes and salary fluctuations would impact our ability to service a mortgage. However, we overlooked the potential risks of the property valuation and the possibility of the house sitting empty. Always be ready for the worst-case scenario and have a backup plan.

2.     Do I Have the Time?
Owning property, whether living in it or renting it is a major time investment. Every week I’m thinking about the property, whether it’s checking the mortgage repayment balance, paying Council Tax, attending a Body Corporate Meeting or filing a tax return. If you can’t dedicate time, a house may not be the right investment decision.

3.     What Are the Terms if Circumstances Change?
When we broke up, we realised we hadn’t formalised our property agreement terms. As someone who prides myself on being ‘onto it’, my only explanation on why we didn’t formalise an agreement is that neither of us anticipated we would end things. Having a clear contract or exit plan is crucial.

4.     Can I Trust This Person?
The only reason I still co-own property with my ex is because our relationship was built on trust, transparency, and communication—though we've had our challenges, that foundation still stands. Do I trust that he will pay his share of the mortgage every fortnight? Yes. Are we transparent with each other if we need to adjust something, like deferring a bill payment? Yes. And do we communicate effectively? Well… he responds to the calendar reminders I send him for our Council Tax payments, so clearly something is working… ha ha.

So, that’s all from me. The past few years of my life have been quite a whirlwind, but I hope that my story resonates with or offers something valuable to everyone reading. 

With love,

Gabby XX